Familyman Fuckup
by AndroidEvian
Summary: It gets dark... it gets SO much darker. *Sexual abuse, drug use, casual utilisation of disturbing content* Rick feels like his day going right, but a solo trip to Gazorpazorp on Unity's request goes terribly wrong, causing a stark contrast in Morty's warm greeting of him that evening. Art credit to Mmishee-Art on tumblr.


I sat in my garage, just finishing the final touches of a bootleg distilled brew based on the formula from the Pleiadians. Yeah, i said the Pleiadians, bitch. You know, the race of aliens that all the Nordic pansies descended from? Yeah. The ones with the democratic socialism, and stuff. Their politics are a pain in the ass, since they're as government glorifying as it gets with high taxes on housing and education, but they sure know how to make a drink. Anyway, basically what i've made here has the strength of moonshine, the smoothness of many times distilled vodka, the taste of a wine, and the extra goodies of absinthe (wormwood, thujone, artemesium absinthium). Party on Kalaxia, bitch!

"H-Hey Rick? What's that you're working on there?" I gestured him closer with my unoccupied hand as i strained the mulled drink out from the last bits of orange, apple, and hops. "Aw geez... it smells like the best perfume ever, but is it safe to drink at that potency?"

"Morty, would i, an alc*urrp!*holic, make a drink that i didn't plan to consume?" I rolled my eyes while he smiled nervously.

"Well no, i uh, i guess not, hehe. C-Can i try some? I'm kinda..." He gulped mid sentence and tugged at his shirt. "on edge about this uh, this thing i'm supposed to do in class. I got really lucky and the teacher paired me with Jessica for an assignment in biology, and, you know, i'm supposed to be going to her house to work on it tonight, and i got these butterflies in my stomach." I facepalmed irritably.

"Don't beat around the bush with me Morty, i-i-i can see the budding alcoholic in you." I teased, putting my arm over his shoulder while i poured him the first glass from the large cauldron on the gas stove.

"I-i don't think that's a fair judgement Rick..." I reached over a little further and managed to put a finger to his mouth.

"Shhh... don't even trip dawg, it's genetics. I did it, your mom did it, it's allll in your genes, Morty, so take a sip of this brew and let science justify any consequences that came later in life." I rubbed his head for a moment, and we exchanged a smile as he realised i was joking (however factual all of what i said was.) "Anyway, catch you later fag, good luck with yo*urrp!* little biology project, i got a party to crash on Kalaxia! WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB!" I set the coordinates for Kalaxia and portal gunned there, walking from my garage into a club with flashing strobelights, pounding music, and the smoke of that good ol space ganja hanging in the air. To make my presence more known,  
i threw down a bot that exploded into fireworks as it reached the ceiling, searing the glass slightly but putting the attention on me.

"IT'S C-137, BITCHES, WHO WANTS A SIP OF THE STRONGEST MULLED LIQUOR YOU'LL EVER TASTE?!" I gestured to the lidded cauldron on my back (that i'd made from hematite to be as light possible even with the gallons of alcohol in it) and everyone lined up, but i noticed one person cutting through the line.

"Scuse me, sorry, gotta get through, that's a good friend of mine, you know." Holy shittt. "Rick, i haven't seen you since the garage deal with your adorably uncorrupted grandson that murdered my original body." He threw his arm over my shoulder, holding out his cup.

"YO! What's up Krombopulous 2.0?" I eagerly poured my brew for him, and he stayed next to me to chat while i served everyone else. "Well, you know, just the usual killing going on, i got a pay raise recently so i'm just peachy."

"Aw geez, i thought you were dead for good. I'm guessing the co*urr!*roners scraped up your remains and your wife paid life insurance to cook up a clone of you?"

"Yup, that's about how it went down." I nudged him in the rib with my elbow.

"But how does it feel to be brought back from the dead?"

"Well you know, I'm usually the one doing the killin around here, and i tend to think of myself as the best, but your little Morty sure has potential if anyone ever needs a murder specifically under an accidental case, for whatever unlikely, devious plan that could be fulfilled with the legal stipulations of manslaughter vs intentional murder." I laughed with him, unable to picture a scenario quite like it.

"Damn, it's great to have you back in the old killing business, you need any *urrp!* weapons anytime soon?" I asked hopefully, ready to use the portal gun again if I could get the cash for some Kalax.

"Hmm, welp, i haven't been particularly short on arms myself, but my wife just started working alongside me a few months ago, and i wanna get her something special. She's got a real nice streak for a newbie, but that old clunker the Feds supplied her with just ain't doing a woman like her justice." I set the cauldron down, letting everyone serve themselves as excitement set into me.

"Alright, what sort of death does she like to see them die? Slow and painful, eccentric and torturous, any weird murder fetishes?"

"Well you know how women are, all of them are a little bit deviant behind closed doors, and one time i saw her flaying a guy with his own skin, she ripped that old flesh suit right off him and started beating his meat." I squinted at him a moment, and snickered to myself.

"Okay, i think i got just the weapon for you, basically, it's a gun containing a psychotomimetic programmed nanobot bullet, right? When the bullet is fired into the brain, the bots are released, bind to the dopaminergic receptors, and boost the reuptake to induce psychosis, while pretty much destroying the site of the brain controlling serotonin, driving them into despair while seeing shit like, i dunno, their skin erupting with Flurbonian maggots and such. It'll sate your wife's sadism just fine."

"I'll take it, how much are you charging?" the tendrils at his mouth quivered as he squealed with assassin's arousal.

"Lemme decide on that in a minute, don't you go anywhere Krombo, i just gotta portal back home for a moment to get the gun and then i'll take some bills right off ya." Fuckkk this day is reallyyyyy off to a good start. I did as i said i would and arrived back in my garage, shuffling through the lower compartment of my shelf til everything was moved, and i pressed a button on the blank surface of the wall, the cement sliding back to reveal the weapon i'd referred to. I'd fitted it with a banana clip and produced the mold in hematite, as i did with the cauldron, for the convenience of it being relatively light, feeling as if the universe had almost intended i make it for Krombopulous's wife. I can't think of her name for the life of me, but he'd told me about her at some point after we'd met in a bar with a sand vagina. I reopened the portal i'd come through, and returned to the bathroom i was selling in. As i like to say, no cameras where there are cumstains.  
"Alright, i'm charging 2500 Hope you got cash on you." He handed me a thick wad of bills, and i gave him a palm stinging highfive. "You're the best Krombo, i'm bout to be rickety rickety wrecked son!" I ran back into the crowd, seeing there was still a considerably portion of mulled liquor left in the cauldron, and pulled out a long straw i'd had folded in my lab coat, touching it to the bottom of the bowl and sipping unceasingly while i pressed a button on my watch to send a signal to my Kalax guy, who had the only other watch in the galaxy that was tuned to the two way radio system i'd created. He was probably on the other side of Kalaxia, harvesting a new crop of crystals, but soon he'd be here, tracking the radio signal to the club and handing me one of the largest deals of Kalax i'd receive for a while. Still sipping the brew, i almost choked on a gulp of it as my hacked phone rang in my pocket, and i picked up.

"Hello?" I slurred, resuming my sipping while the caller was formulating feedback.

"Hey, Rick?" I almost dropped my phone in the cauldron, fiddling with it in my clumsy, drunken hands as i recognised the voice. "U*uu!*nity." I belched out.

"Unity! Holy fuck, what the fuck have you been doing that whole time you were silent towards me?"

"Rick, i did what i did because i was scared... you bring out the part of me that's irresponsible and i have a whole planet to rule over with nobody but myself. I have to be lucid at every moment."

"You don't, i could make a clone of you, you could have fun sometimes, you could be... you could be mine."

"You've been drinking, haven't you?" Why the fuck does everyone equate drunkenness to lost common sense? You know how many fuckin people have had insights under the influence of alcohol? William Faulkner? Alexander the Great? Boris Yeltsin? With blackouts, you can say i've lost it, but i'm not blacked the fuck out, am i?

"Unity, sweetie, i'm always drunk, you can't say my logic is impaired if the only logic you've ever seen me use is drunk logic, and i think it's served me pretty well, considering that i'm a scientist with all technological and biological information at my disposal."

"I suppose... i called to ask a favour of you, but if you do it for me, i promise i won't cut you off again, and i might take you up on your offer, if you find a way to sever the hivemind connection between me and the clone you seemingly already know every consequence to."

"What's the favo*urr!*?" I stirred the mulled liquor boredly, noticing a that my watch was flashing red at the button i'd pressed to signal my Kalax guy, showing me he was at least on location of the club, probably waiting outside.

"I need you to pick up some Gazorpian pitchblende for me, i'm looking for a radioactive substance to experiment with in case green energy like solar ever fails, and i'll cut you a portion of the trade money for introducing a new energy source to allied planets."

"Sounds fair, but can it be aft*urr!* i pick up this kalax? I'm kinda in the middle of a party and i want to enjoy myself a little before going to a sausage planet of buttrapey aliens in heat." I heard a sigh and then the click of Unity hanging up. Frustratedly, i threw my phone on the floor, shattering it into pieces, grabbing the microchip to build a better one later, and finishing the portion of mulled liquor in the cauldron before hoisting it on my back and stumbling to the front of the club. I met my Kalax guy, slipped him 300 Flurbos for a few oz of kalax, and helped myself to 3 fingertip sized clumps to get rid of the haze of inebriation on my senses, and prevent black out. I opened a portal to Gazorpazorp, hiding behind the first hill i saw, while Marsha's ship flew overhead and rained sex robots from the sky to satisfy the male Gazorpians.

I used a radiometric device to sweep the area and map out the area with the largest secretion of radioactive energy, pulled a seam in my labcoat, and it became a hazard suit, to withstand the radiation. Even with the location being right next to where the Gazorpians were, i didn't think they'd bother me, they were too busy copulating with those weird ass sex robots. Unity had requested pitchblende, the most radium dense material known to man thus far. Gazorpazorp is peculiar in that it's a habitable planet, but it has these wellsprings of radiation kinda like an oasis, the male Gazorpians fucking love rolling in that shit. I harvested enough pitchblende to fill the cauldron, shut the lid, opened a portal to Unity's planet, and kicked it through with an alarm to alert Unity, and a note to make sure it was handled as cautiously as possible. With that, i opened a portal home, and traveled through, ready to pick Morty up from Jessica's, maybe take him to get some icecream since i was feeling good about today. The portal wouldn't close though. I fiddled with the portal gun's controls and circuitry, trying to find where the problem was. Before i had worked out the kinks, one male Gazorpian got out before i decided to just smash the gun cartridge and keep the portal fluid. I really fucked up this time... from what appeared to be the window to Jessica's bedroom, i called up to Morty. "MORTY! Morty!" I saw his confused face at the window, already aware something horrible was lurking in the downstairs area of Jessica's house. "Morty take my gun!" i tossed it up to him. "You gotta kill it, Morty! You gotta save Jessica!" "R-Rick!? This is crazy, what the hell did you do!?" I could see him fiddling with the gun, turning off the safety.  
I heard Jessica's horrified scream from a nearby bathroom, the sound of the sink running as i heard several cracks in the wood floor as Morty disappeared from the window, and the door to the room was destroyed by the Gazorpian. I heard the rip of clothes as Morty yelled.  
"You can do it Morty, just shoot it! Shoot it into swiss cheese!" I heard several blasts and the wail of a dying alien, before going up the stairs. Morty had given Jessica a towel to wear, and she looked physically unharmed, but was shaking. "M-Morty..." she buried her face in his chest and started crying hysterically. "What happened...?" I asked. I could tell Morty hadn't saved her as totally as i had hoped. "You remember how ripped those things are...?" Morty murmured. "IT TOOK ME 7 FUCKING SHOTS TO FULLY KILL THAT THING, RICK! You know what he was doing while i was shooting him? He was busy trying to fuck her until the second he died!"  
"Morty..." When he looked at me the way he did then, cheeks stained with tears, eyes full of contempt, and his hand shaking even as he clutched the gun, i knew i'd fucked up beyond any measure of forgiveness. "...Come on. I can remove the memory from her brain just like i removed all those memories you begged me to make you forget."  
"P-please... i want to f-forget too." Jessica's voice quivered as Morty helped her up, and i put a time stamp on the wall, door, and floor that had been broken by the Gazorpian's rampage, the hall downstairs as well, and thedamage was undone. I walked out of the house with the two of them behind me, the sky now laden with stars, signalling it was at least 10 PM. How the fuck had something gone so wrong on exactly the day i thought i was going perfect... I clenched my teeth together to try and stifle the typical response to such discouragement.  
As i promised, i hooked Jessica up to the Mindblower machine, knocking her out with a tranquiliser before extracting the memory, and letting Morty take her back home, to put her to bed... it was beyond lucky her family usually worked til midnight. While Morty was gone i sat alone in the Mindblower chamber, trying to come to terms with everything i'd let happened. Wiping my nose, i remembered the bag of Kalax, sniffing 4 lumps and opting to see Unity soon... I left a note on the Mindblower entrance, knowing Morty would look for me in there when he got back. I won't tell you what the note said, but let's just say it's what i told Jerry when we were on the whirly dhirly...


End file.
